After waiting for a child for four years, God finally blessed us with our first living womb miracle in the form of a beautiful baby girl. We were elated. Words cannot fully express the overwhelming joy that filled our hearts. The moment I laid eyes on her, something in me shifted. An instant, unbreakable bond formed between us, one that I knew would last a lifetime. It was at that moment that I felt a wave of love and protection I had never known before. All the waiting, all the prayers—it all made sense. She was our miracle, and I felt God’s hand in every detail of her arrival.
I purposed then that if God allowed me, I would be there for every step of her journey. This little girl was more than just our child; she was a gift from heaven, the fulfillment of a dream, and a reminder of God’s grace and timing. Every cry, every coo, every smile was a new chapter in the story of our bond. As the days went by, I realized that I wasn’t just nurturing her, she was nurturing me too. Through her, I learned patience, faith, and the beauty of unconditional love.
Twenty-five years later, my daughter is now a young woman, and I constantly find myself reflecting on my own journey and what it means to raise a daughter in today’s world. The relationship between a mother and her daughter is more special in that it is a relationship built not just on love, but on the shared experiences of womanhood—past, present, and future. This grants both an unspoken connection as they navigate many of the same emotional landscapes, societal expectations, and life stages.
I had and still have the privilege of guiding my daughter through the same stages of womanhood I once walked, and I am happy to say I do so with the added knowledge of my own experiences. I get to prepare her for the complexities of being a woman. Whether it’s teaching her self-worth, helping her navigate relationships, or encouraging her to pursue her dreams fearlessly, I do this with a deep sense of purpose, knowing I am answering the great unmatched call of motherhood.
What makes this journey even more profound is the way she reflects parts of me that I may have forgotten or left behind. She reminds me of the joy of curiosity, the strength in vulnerability, and the importance of resilience. Watching her grow into her own person while sharing the same gender gives me a sense of continuity, a connection that goes beyond mother and child and extends into sisterhood. Together, we create a bond where she learns from me, and I learn from her.
Familial relationships play a pivotal role in our lives and the bond between mothers and daughters is often a complex, multi-layered connection that profoundly influences mental wellness. I chose the metaphors roots and wings to shed insight into how mother daughter relationships can shape mental wellness in both parties. The roots exemplify a stable foundation of love, care, and support, and the wings show the confidence the relationship brings to explore the world, develop independence, and grow into one’s true self.
Developing The Roots: Emotional Anchoring and Nurturing
From infancy, as mothers we serve as emotional anchors for our children. A mother’s love, validation, and responsiveness to her child’s needs create the foundation for emotional security. This sense of security acts as a protective factor throughout life, shaping how our children experience and process emotions, approach challenges, and develop their sense of self-worth. In a nurturing mother-daughter relationship, daughters learn to regulate their emotions, understand empathy, and navigate relationships. Mothers often model emotional intelligence, resilience, and compassion, providing their daughters with a blueprint for handling life’s inevitable ups and downs.
On the other hand, the absence of the above-mentioned emotional roots can lead to challenges in a child’s mental wellness. Our daughters do not only absorb the love and care we provide, but also the unspoken pain and unresolved issues that linger beneath the surface. A mother’s unresolved trauma can easily be passed on, especially to the girl child, creating a silent legacy that affects the emotional and psychological development of the next generation. Trauma, especially when left unaddressed, has a way of embedding itself in everyday interactions. Mothers, who carry deep wounds from their past—whether from their own childhood, relationships, or life experiences—might unknowingly project those fears and insecurities onto their daughters. Your trauma as a mother can shape the way your daughter learns to cope with her own emotions and experiences in life. Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or a lack of emotional grounding may then surface, impacting your daughter’s self-esteem and emotional resilience. For instance, a mother who has experienced rejection or abandonment may struggle with trust, and in turn, may become overly protective or controlling, limiting her daughter’s sense of autonomy. Or a mother who has never fully healed from her own emotional wounds might find it difficult to provide the emotional validation her daughter craves, leading to feelings of insecurity or inadequacy in the child.
The weight of unspoken trauma can shape the way daughters understand their own emotions and relationships, often mirroring their mother’s unresolved pain. This is especially true for girls, as they often look to their mothers as primary role models for how to navigate womanhood, relationships, and emotional well-being. If a mother struggles to heal, her daughter may unknowingly adopt the same coping mechanisms, perpetuating cycles of emotional suppression, self-doubt, or fear.
The Bible, in Matthew 14, tells the story of Herodias and her daughter Salome. This story presents a striking and troubling example of a mother-daughter relationship. Herodias, seeking revenge against John the Baptist for condemning her marriage to Herod, encourages her daughter to request John’s head as a reward for dancing before Herod. This moment raises significant reflections on the implications of Herodias's advice and the impact mothers can have on their daughters.
Herodias’s manipulation of her daughter also reflects the magnitude of maternal influence. It speaks of how a mother’s wound, unresolved issues and desires can lead to misguided choices for her child. Let’s set aside the morality and validity of Herodias’ need for vengeance against John and assume it was “justified”. Salome had a rare opportunity to ask for anything she desired. Instead of seeking wealth, power, or a beneficial relationship, she opted for an act that served her mother’s vendetta. A decision that ultimately resulted in the loss of an innocent life and left a dark mark on their family legacy. This choice highlights how easily the mother’s influence can lead her daughter away from personal gain and fulfillment. The lost potential of what Salome could have asked for emphasizes how harmful guidance can shape the future of our daughters as well as a cautionary tale about the responsibility of a mother to resolve her own issues.
Mothers should not only avoid burdening their daughters with unspoken expectations or unresolved issues, but they also need to be intentional about addressing these intergenerational trauma patterns. Understandably, the cycle of trauma may not be inevitable, however, as mothers we can take the brave step of confronting our pain and actively working through our trauma. In essence, while trauma can be passed on, so can healing. Healing can be found in seeking therapy, self-reflection, or taking advantage of the community support systems. The often-unspoken truth is that these cycles can be broken! Healing not only frees mothers, but also creates a healthier, more open space for our daughters to grow emotionally. When a mother models emotional resilience, vulnerability, and self-compassion, she gives her daughter permission to do the same. Let us fight to be mothers who actively work to break harmful cycles, let us make the choice to address our emotional wounds so that we create a path for our daughters to grow up with a stronger sense of self-worth, emotional intelligence, and most importantly, with the tools to break free from the chains of inherited pain. Let us fight emotional unavailability and the need for control. Let us help foster healthier, more balanced relationships with our daughters. Let us evolve from relationships of shared trauma to relationships of shared healing and empowerment, where we create an environment where mental health is nurtured and prioritized.
While I have only one biological daughter, I have many daughters in the form of young ladies that I have the privilege to mentor or bring under my wings. It’s a role I cherish, extending love and guidance beyond my own family. Also, our second miracle is a son, and I often take time to reflect on the kind of mother-in-love (law) I want to be. Mother-daughter relationships aren’t confined to our biological daughters, and I believe in the importance of being mindful in how we navigate the other mother-daughter relationships we may find ourselves nurturing.
Naomi and Ruth’s relationship from the book of Ruth in the bible is a powerful example of how deep, loving bonds can be formed even outside of biological ties. Ruth, a Moabite, embraced Naomi’s culture, faith, and family as her own. They both embraced each other’s backgrounds, values, and traditions. Ruth’s willingness to adopt Naomi’s people and God reflects the openness needed to blend families successfully. In any relationship, when both parties make an effort to understand, accept, and honor each other’s identities and cultures, deep connections can be forged.
Naomi and Ruth’s connection, though they were mother-in-law and daughter-in-law blossomed into something akin to a mother-daughter relationship, showing that such bonds can be developed even within bonus families and with daughters in law. This relationship reminds us that family can be defined by the love and commitment we share with one another. Ruth’s decision to stay with Naomi, even after the death of her husband, was rooted in love and loyalty. She didn’t view Naomi as just an in-law, but as family—someone she was willing to sacrifice and journey with, even into an uncertain future showing clearly that a healthy bond between non biological mother and daughter is possible. When the relationship is built on genuine care and shared experiences, and when love and loyalty take precedence over any perceived limitations, these relationships can indeed flourish
Despite their different backgrounds and age gap, Naomi and Ruth supported each other. Naomi provided wisdom and guidance to Ruth, while Ruth offered Naomi companionship and hope. They shared knowledge, offered each other emotional care, and helped one another navigate life’s challenges which enriched and deepened their relationship. Ruth chose to stay with her mother-in-law even though she had no obligation to do so. Their mutual commitment allowed them to rebuild their lives together. We learn from Ruth’s devotion that healthy relationships are not bound by obligation but by a choice to love and stand by one another. Loyalty in relationships is a choice. Their relationship teaches us that enduring bonds are formed through consistent acts of love, care, and commitment.
The Wings: Empowerment and Independence
While we provide the emotional grounding that our daughters need, we also play a crucial role in helping them develop wings. We give them the independence, confidence, and courage to explore life on their own terms. When we encourage open dialogue, self-expression, and personal growth, we foster a sense of autonomy in our daughters, which is key to mental wellness.
Giving each other wings means creating a healthy mother-daughter dynamic that strikes a balance between support and freedom. It means we allow our daughters to make mistakes, discover their passions, and assert their individuality while knowing they have a safe space to return to. We get to accept that overprotectiveness or overly rigid expectations from us can sometimes stifle our daughters’ growth, and we choose to understand that when we fail to give our daughters the space to explore their identity, make decisions, or express themselves, they may struggle with anxiety, self-doubt, or perfectionism. On the other hand, we must appreciate that too much distance or lack of support can leave our daughters feeling emotionally unmoored, contributing to feelings of isolation or inadequacy. When we attain this balance, we will foster in our daughters emotional resilience and the ability to navigate life’s uncertainties with confidence.
As another way of giving wings to our daughters, I would encourage every mother to be intentional about the message they send to their children. After thoughtfully and carefully formulating that message, communicate it effectively so that your child/daughter can hear it clearly, with no ambiguity, and is empowered to run with it. I teach my daughter the importance of having a personal relationship with her Creator, as it is the foundation of every meaningful connection she will ever have. Everything else in life should flow from that primary relationship. My other core piece of advice to her is anchored in one simple yet powerful statement: "Never lose your voice."
In a world that often tries to silence women, to mold them into roles or expectations that don’t honor their true selves, I want her to know that her voice is her strength. It’s her expression of who she is, what she believes, and what she stands for. Her voice carries her dreams, her values, and her truth—and no one should ever take that from her.
I want her to know that speaking up for herself, for what she believes is right, and for others who may not have the courage to do so, is vital. Her voice is her power, her identity, and it should never be diminished by fear, insecurity, or the need for acceptance. It’s through her voice that she will set boundaries, make her mark, and change the world around her.
I want her to know that loyalty is not measured by how much pain she can tolerate from someone. Too often, society teaches women that enduring suffering in silence, sacrificing their well-being, or tolerating disrespect in relationships is a form of strength or loyalty. But that’s not true loyalty—I call that self-neglect. I believe that true loyalty begins with loyalty to oneself—knowing your worth, setting healthy boundaries, and understanding that love should never come at the cost of your dignity or wholeness. I want my daughter to understand that being loyal doesn't mean accepting pain, mistreatment, or compromising her values just to keep a relationship intact. Loyalty is about mutual respect, trust, and care, not enduring hurt in the name of love or friendship. Loyalty in a healthy relationship is built on love that nurtures, not one that drains her emotionally or mentally. I want her to recognize her own value and know that her worth is not determined by how much she can bear, but by how much she loves and respects herself first. I remind her that her voice, her happiness, and her self-respect are far more important than holding onto something that brings her pain. Loyalty should be mutual, not one-sided, and real love should never make her feel small or broken. As she navigates life’s challenges, I remind her that her voice is her compass. Whether in relationships, work, or in the face of adversity, staying true to who she is and expressing her thoughts and feelings authentically is how she will remain grounded. I want her to carry this wisdom with her, knowing that even when the world feels heavy, her voice will always guide her back to her true self.
You are not obligated to teach my message to your child, but as mentioned above, carefully, prayerfully, and intentionally create a message you want to communicate to your daughter. A message that gives her wings, not one that stifles her. One that is anchored on a principle, so it can be applied in any season, location, or phase of life.
Nurturing Mental Wellness for Generations
Overall, mother-daughter relationships are powerful forces in shaping mental wellness. The impact of such a relationship goes far beyond the immediate connection between the two. When our daughters feel supported, loved, and empowered they are more likely to carry those qualities into their relationships with others and into their future roles as caregivers and mothers. When we nurture this relationship with love, respect, and a balance of support and independence, we provide both the roots and wings needed by our daughters to grow into emotionally strong, confident, and resilient women. Embracing both the challenges and joys of this connection offers both of us an opportunity for profound personal growth, healing. Most importantly, the mental wellness fostered in one generation can be passed down, creating a positive cycle of emotional health and resilience that may have been lacking in past generations.
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